April182014

I don’t know what’s been going on, but it’s kind of been a weird week for me. I’ve gone back to being anxious like I was over the summer with racing heart, sick stomach, little tingly pinpricks of sweat under my arms or on the back of my neck.

But ONLY when I’m at work and a little isolated (quiet cube, no email response from supervisor, no recent text messages from loved ones). And it feels like a betrayal. I waited so long for this job. I spent 4 months editing my résumé. I networked with so many people who were all willing to vouch for me. But is this what it’s supposed to be like?

Don’t get me wrong, the rest of my life is great. I don’t mean to toot my own horn but I’ve gone through some growing experiences. I stopped drinking soda two months ago, and while I know it sounds small, it was an addiction I had been resigned to carry around for life while having anxiety that I would experience the same severity of diabetes and health problems my grandmother did, before succumbing to pancreatic cancer (strong link to diabetes). I now exercise regularly, and it’s nothing too strenuous, but walking 3 miles 2-4 times a week also is not a habit I ever saw myself forming. It even seems small now compared to the health goals I still want to achieve. I gained a lot of confidence personally and overcame a pretty huge hurdle that involved my numerous social anxieties, my self-consciousness, and my stage fright by taking an 8 week beginners improvisational comedy class, then performed in front of a (small) theater full of strangers. I’ve begun to be more open and embracing of my spirituality. I can pray comfortably and openly now. That. Is. Big. I’ve found great professional mentors who have expressed deep confidence in me. And I have the beginning of a pretty impressive business casual wardrobe now.

If all this is true, why am I sitting at my desk writing this and feeling so anxious? If all this is true, why is something not clicking the way it’s supposed to? Why don’t all the articles I read about careers and résumés and work ethic and business practices and non-profits matter to my supervisors who have worked at the same job for 17 years? They just want me to get it. A liberal arts degree means nothing to them. Sometimes I wonder if non-profit even means something to them. Time management does. Efficiency does. Competence does. I don’t know if passion and compassion do.

All I want is to share my story with people. All I want is to mentor and be mentored. All I want to do is make connections through life history and shared experiences about what it means to be a woman in a society that doesn’t even really like women except as things that give you sex or give you children. Even more, what it means to be a woman cut off from a maternal figure, the main source of knowledge and comfort, in that society. How that changes the way you think or brush your hair or do your makeup or engage in relationships with other people. How it affects your confidence, your perception of your gender role, your femininity or lack thereof, and how people respond to that (besides saying you look like a lesbian). Basically I want to talk to women and about women about our relationships with each other and how gaps in those relationships affect us as women. And how we can build each other up in a cold world where all we know is competition.

Boy, this is tough. What I want is so far from what feels achievable in an environment that so far feels pretty gossipy and hostile. And the worst part is that I can’t do anything today. I know I’ll meet my goals because God had picked me and spent the last 11 years preparing me and this is just too big not to happen. I’m just struggling with how I get there and what I do in the meantime. Finance, I guess. Accounting assisting, I guess.

9AM
simonandgarfunkel:

Paul Simon and Carole King, 1959

simonandgarfunkel:

Paul Simon and Carole King, 1959

April172014
Also, congratulations Chelsea.

Also, congratulations Chelsea.

10AM

Never ever ever ever take a contract-to-hire position if you already are an anxious person because you will spend several days crying at your desk if you make a small mistake and not give yourself any slack to account for the fact that this is a job you’ve never done before that you’re training in, and you will experience a heart racing panic having assumed you won’t be hired permanently and imagining all the scenarios in which you’re working at IHOP again or have to move back home with your dad and lose all contact with everyone and everything you’ve ever loved because it’s a black hole. Also any hope of ever being financially independent.

April162014
“But I think our childhood is more decisive than people generally are willing to admit. And what happens to us later can either cast a shadow or shine a light on what’s already been created — or ruined — within us.” Ingmar Bergman, from an interview (via violentwavesofemotion)

(via nogreatillusion)

April152014

Every time I’ve prayed before going to work for the last few months, I’ve said, “Lord, help us get through this week,” or some variation thereof. And sometimes that was all I could manage. I really had to pray that way on days when just getting through was enough. Today, in fact, was a day of just hoping to get through from 2-5. But every day? Often without even thinking of the words I’m saying or the implications they have? How can I enjoy the good things in my work week if I’m wishing the time away and hoping for nothing more than to “make it throug”? I think it shows me being a bit faithless in just expecting the bare minimum from a God who has done nothing but give me the maximum the past 23 years. Who knows what I’ve missed by praying this way these past few months? What small blessings have gone unnoticed in the meantime? How can I expect the people I’m praying for and with to thrive with such little expectation in my prayer for them?

I’m new to the prayer thing after taking A SEVERAL year hiatus. I don’t mean for that to come across as facetious because it’s an unfortunate truth about the journey I’ve faced in the past few years. It still overwhelms me and makes me nervous. I still worry that I’m not using the right words. But now that the blind panic and outright refusal of praying for and with others has dissipated, there’s gon’ be some changes ‘round here, as my favorite coworker would say. People often say that God doesn’t always show up in the ways that they expect. But maybe God has shown up exactly in the way I asked, and it’s time to set my expectations higher.

10AM
“In Southern Gothic, the most important concept is the grotesque. With the grotesque, reality is distorted into ugly and absurd shapes. “I use the grotesque the way I do because people are deaf and dumb and need help to see and hear,” Flannery O’Connor once said. By exaggerating reality, we are able to actually see it. The grotesque is a balance of contradictions. It creeps and crawls between repulsion and attraction, the real and the unreal, and humor and horror. The sublime floats in the mind, but the grotesque is experienced in the body—in turning stomachs, goose bumps, and sweat.” Lincoln Michel: Lush Rot - Guernica / A Magazine of Art & Politics (via guernicamag)

(via nogreatillusion)

April142014
Denny’s calling people out.

Denny’s calling people out.

April122014

merkkultra:

do men have resting bitch faces as well or do they not have negative characteristics ascribed to them for putting on a neutral rather than a deliriously happy facial expression

(via laney-gurl)

preach 

April112014

I am coming back to this, I promise.

hiatus 

← Older entries Page 1 of 147